What You Should and Should Not Say At A Funeral

For this important subject, I have decided to post a blog and to record a podcast which you can find here. Unintentionally, people say some pretty dumb and insensitive things to grieving friends and loved ones. We don’t say wrong things to be offensive, often we say wrong things because we just don’t know what to say or because we just don’t want to be uncomfortable. I personally heard someone say to my grandmother as she was grieving over becoming a widow for the third time, “Well, Aunt Clara, I see you buried another one.”

On the podcast referenced above, my friend Todd Warnock, who lost his 19 year old son to a rare disease, shared about the things that were helpful and the things that were hurtful during the days, weeks, and months immediately surrounding his loss. Not surprisingly, some people said some really dumb things. The one he remembers most vividly was,

I know how you feel. We lost our dog recently. We had him for 15 years.

Needless to say, no one who has lost a child is comforted by someone who is grieving over the loss of a K-9.

But, we all struggle with that feeling of helplessness that accompanies our efforts to support friends and loved ones in grief.

The Apostle Paul advised us in Romans 12:15, “Weep with those who weep.”

When Job’s friends showed up to comfort him in Job 2:13, we learn, “They sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great.”

The writer of Ecclesiastes said there is a time to weep and mourn.

How do we respond? We weep with those who weep. We mourn. We sit. We cry.

It is OK if you do not know what to say. But, if you do not know what to say, don’t say anything.

People may not remember the good things you say, but they will remember the bad (or stupid or insensitive) things you say.

Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted.” As God’s children, we should draw near to the brokenhearted too.

People may not remember what you say, but they will never forget that you were there. So, go. Will you be uncomfortable? Yes, but it is not about you. So, be uncomfortable. Sit on the ground. In silence. For seven days if you have to. Do what you need to do to comfort your friends. You will be uncomfortable, but you will never regret it.

Finally, for reference, here is Todd’s list of “Stupid Funeral Sayings” that you should avoid at all costs.

Stupid Funeral Sayings

• “God needed another angel.” (No… he didn’t. And if he did, don’t you think He’s big enough to make His own?)
• “I know how you feel.” (You don’t. Even if you’ve lost a child. We grieve differently.)
• “I know how you feel. We lost our dog recently. We had him for 15 years.” (Stupid.)
• “He’s in a better place.” (Theologically, I get it. But the head/heart filter is not at its best during these times. In the moment – the best place for Robert is right here – next to me.)
• “It was God’s will.” (See above.)
• “It was God’s plan.”
• “God knows what he is doing. Even when we don’t.”
• “How are you doing?” (You really don’t want to know.)
• “What happened?” (He died. He’s not here anymore. I’ve got details and memories about the very end; what I saw; what I felt. They’re horribly painful for me, and I’m sure you really don’t want to her them either.)
• “It will be ok.”
• “Hang in there. Things will get back to normal soon.” (I don’t want ‘normal’. I want Robert back.)
• “Time heals all…”
• “Everything happens for a reason.” (Really? What possible ‘reason’ was okay for my son to die?)
• “You had 19 great years with him.” (Thanks for the reminder that I ONLY had 19 years with him.)
• “When my dad died…” (I lost my mom and dad. It was painful. But the difference is unimaginable. I’m not suppose to outlive my kids.)
• “It gets easier.” (Years later, it’s not “easier.” It’s just different. One of the fears for me is that, as time passes, others will forget him or, worse, I will. In some sense, I don’t want easier.)
• “With time, you’ll get over it…” (Just a more harsh version of “it gets easier…”)
• “Be strong.” (The implication is that I’m weak when I cry or grieve, and that somehow my grieving is wrong. I’m thankful for friends who just let me cry so times without judgement.)
• “Why are you crying?” (Really?)
• “What’s wrong?” (Really???)

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash