Offering a bad apology is much easier than offering a sincere apology. In fact, I have found it to be something of an art to apologizing appropriately. I suppose that is primarily because my sinful flesh does not like to be wrong. I want to be right. An apology acknowledges that I am wrong and that I have offended someone else. In an article titled How To Apologize Like A Man, the good people over at The Art of Manliness have identified several reasons we don’t apologize:
- Pride. Apologizing can be particularly hard for men because it involves the admittance of fault. It’s hard to say that we messed up. That we were wrong. Our pride gets in the way.
- Embarrassment. If we messed up royally, doing something truly boneheaded even though we knew better, it can be difficult to talk about it to the person we hurt or let down. We feel stupid and would rather pretend like it didn’t happen.
- Anger. Things that need apologizing for are rarely a one way street (more on this later). We probably did something wrong, but the other person probably did too. And sometimes our anger over how they offended us is so great that we justify what we did and can’t get past it to apologize.
- The antidote to all 3 obstacles? Humility. The reason we put up these walls is that we have an overinflated view of our true selves. We’re always right; we always have it together. But it ain’t true. We’re human. We mess up sometimes. You have to accept your imperfection as a part of life. Suppressing it will cut you off from others. Embracing it will allow you to grow as a man (or a woman, I might add).
In addition to wrestling through the obstacles to true apology, I want to offer you a few other suggestions to help you make sincere apologies.
- Take responsibility. Apologies are like confessions; they are only sincere when you are willing to take responsibility for your actions. “You made me mad and I’m sorry,” is not an apology. “I’m sorry that I overreacted and yelled at you,” says I am responsible and I am sorry. One of my favorite bad apologies goes like this, “I’m sorry that you were offended.” Politicians often apologize for the way that we perceive of their comments, but it is not a real apology. Take responsibility.
- Apologize quickly. The longer you wait to apologize, the greater chance for the resentment to build on the part of the person you offended. In addition, the longer you wait, the harder it gets for you to actually apologize. Go now.
- Apologize often. Do you want to improve your apologizing? Start now. Apologize to your spouse, to your kids, to your co-workers. When you mess up, take responsibility and apologize.
- Make “I” statements. “I am sorry.” “I messed up.” “I made a mistake.” See how different these sentences sound than, “you made me mad,” or “you cut me off,” or “you know how much I hate mushrooms.” The first three statements begin an apology, the last three statements begin a fight. What is your goal?
- Show empathy. How would you feel if someone had treated you the way you just treated them. Put yourself in the shoes of the person you offended and consider what would suffice as a sufficient apology.
James 5:16 exhorts us,”Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” The art of apology is an important Christian discipline. Are you growing in this area of your Christian life?
