Church member, you can help your pastor improve. You have the ability to help him grow as a pastor, as a preacher, and as a member of your community. But it may not be easy.
Yesterday, I posted on the importance of pastors excelling in their “soft skills.” There I pointed out that most of the time when a church grows disillusioned with their pastor, it is not because of his theology or his preaching, but because he is failing at certain “soft” or “relational” skills. He is failing in those skills often because he has never been taught how to excel in those skills.
Seminary trained him to evangelize, to preach, and to manage the day in and day out details of a church. However, seminary is by necessity a classroom and many of the skills needed to effectively pastor can’t be learned in a classroom, but only in the laboratory of the local church.
If you have a young pastor, there is a good chance than he needs to learn a lot before he becomes a good pastor. Trust me, I know. Malvern Hill called me as their pastor when I was only 26 years old. I had a lot of growing up that I had to do to be their pastor. I could preach (not that well), but that was about it. I needed the help of my church to become the pastor they wanted and needed me to be.
But, helping your pastor grow can be an intimidating and challenging task.
Why? Because critiquing anyone is hard and critiquing someone properly is not only scary, it is mentally taxing. It is easy to say “you’re wrong,” but it is difficult to try to separate your emotions from a situation and calmly say “I believe you are wrong, and these are the reasons why.”
Of course, there are ways to help your pastor without confrontation. You may notice that he struggles in conversation with senior adults. Rather than confronting him about it, you could invite him to go with you to visit a local nursing home and let him learn from your example.
But, if it is necessary for you to confront your pastor, here are a few suggestions that might make it easier and more effective.
Pray First
So you’re angry. OK. Have you taken it to the Lord? Before you go criticize your pastor, go to Jesus and look in the mirror. Ask the Lord to reveal your own heart issues and to show you if you are wrong.
Make an Appointment
I know, you want your pastor to be approachable and you may not think you should have to make an appointment. However, if you need to offer a criticism to him, don’t do it as he is walking into the pulpit or immediately after he preaches. You don’t want to be a distraction before he attempts to deliver God’s word. And, after he preaches he is spiritually, emotionally, and mentally exhausted–there is almost no chance that he can have an effective conversation with you. Make an appointment and give him a heads up about what you want to talk about. You’re not trying to ambush him, you’re trying to help him.
Speak to Him, Not About Him
Gossip is sin. It is no less sin when you are talking about your pastor than when you are talking about a widow in your church. If you are bothered that your pastor hasn’t attended the nursing home ministry in the last few weeks, speak to him about it. There may be a very good reason, but you won’t know unless you ask him. I, for instance, missed a surgery one time because the person told me not to worry about attending. Apparently, “Don’t worry about coming,” was code for, “you better be there.” Speak to your pastor, not about him.
Go Quickly
The devil has a way of twisting our thoughts. When your pastor didn’t show up at the graduation for the local high school, you were peeved. You didn’t talk about him, but you didn’t deal with it. When he missed all of the football games and the Christmas chorus concert, you were ticked off. Why? Because you allowed your frustration to fester and you didn’t actually give your pastor a chance to redeem himself. He had no idea that you were upset and didn’t know he needed to change. Go quickly so that you can save him from repeating the same mistake.
Be Specific
What are you upset about? Be honest and be specific. Does he leave too quickly on Wednesday nights? If you are bothered by the way he handled himself in a hospital visit, tell him that, don’t try to come up with some sort of theological explanation. Be honest and be specific. Look for Biblical evidence to support you as well. If the Bible doesn’t support your concerns, they may still be valid, but be honest and specific. I once received a mild rebuke because I was reading a book in the waiting area of a hospital while a church member was in surgery. There is no specific biblical mandate against me reading in the hospital waiting area, but the people I was with on that day felt ignored. Because someone loved me enough to tell me, I learned that sometimes it is OK to read in the waiting room and sometimes it isn’t, but I wouldn’t have known that unless I received a loving and specific rebuke.
Assume the Best
It is most likely the case that your pastor loves Jesus, loves you, and loves your church. He probably didn’t intend to insult, hurt, or anger you. When you go speak to him, assume the best in him. Even if you disagree on something theologically, that doesn’t make him the devil. If he quoted from The Communist Manifesto in his sermon, that doesn’t make him a Marxist. Assume that he had the best intentions until you are proven otherwise
Be Humble
Your pastor needs you. You can help him become a better pastor, but you aren’t perfect either. Remember, your goal is not to beat him in something, you are both part of the same church. Your church wins when your pastor wins.
Be Kind
Pastors are unique. Your life is balanced on a three-legged stool. You have your work life, your family/friend life, and your church life. The pastor balances all of those things on just one leg. His livelihood and well-being are tied into his church along with his family and friends. Criticism always stings, but for a pastor it can be terrifying. His family’s well-being depends on him being employed at your church. Keep that in mind when you go to him with a criticism or concern. It can be very scary for him, so try to be nice.
Grow Together
Pastors often need help in navigating soft skills, and you can help your pastor if you are willing to persevere alongside him. But, you are going to have to work together. So, invite him to join you for coffee with your friends at McDonalds or take him with you to a little league soccer game. He will learn how you interact with others and you can learn from his theological training. You and your pastor can grow together. He has to learn to perform funerals and weddings. He has to learn how your church does the Lord’s Supper and he has to grow accustomed to your church’s expectation of him during the annual pot-luck.
Learning soft skills can be like learning to drive a stick-shift. There are going to be some starts and stops. He will choke it down and you’re going to see him sweating bullets on some of those steep hills of ministry. But, over time the stars and stops will be less frequent and there will be glimpses of beauty as he begins to feel the rhythm and flow of your church.
Brian Croft writes, “The hospital room and the funeral home are some of the best classrooms in which to learn pastoral ministry.” Your pastor may have to learn in some of these hard classrooms before he grows into the pastor your church really wants and really needs. Be patient and work together.
Your pastor is not the hired help for your church. Your pastor is not your enemy. Your pastor is called by God to shepherd you, to love you, and to be the greatest friend your church could ever have. You can help him to grow into all of these roles, if you will.
