We just walked through a difficult death in our church family that affected our entire community. The woman who died unexpectedly was a devoted wife and mother who loved Jesus, her church, and the middle school students she taught. She embodied much of what Proverbs 31 describes as an excellent wife. It was my privilege to know her and has been my privilege to walk with her family, our church, and our community through the process of grieving her death.
Her death caused me to think some about the ridiculous things people say during times of loss. In fact, I warned her teenage sons that people who loved them would offer some words of “comfort” that would hurt and possibly even anger them. I have no idea what may or may not have been said in the past week during this particular period of grief, but I do want to encourage you to think carefully and bibilically about the way you comfort the grieving.
Paul encourages us in Romans 12:15, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn.” Paul does not tell us to speak, only to mourn. He does not tell us to tell a joke or ligthen the mood. Mourning is not a bad thing. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said, “Blessed are thoes who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Here are a few tips for you to use the next time you find yourself in the presence of those who mourn:
- Mourn with those who mourn. In the midst of deepest despair, people probably do not need to hear about your latest business venture or vacation. In times of loss, mourning is the appropriate response. Paul commands us to mourn with those who mourn–be obedient to God’s word.
- Be quiet. Most people complain, “I don’t know what to say.” That is OK. There is rarely anything you can say that will make the situation better, but your presence is invaluable. Job’s friends sat with him for seven days before they opened their mouth. The old addage quips, “it is better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” This is especially true in times of death.
- Do not be a bad theologian. God did not make a new angel. God does not “pick the best flowers for his garden.” We should not approach every death looking for “the good” that is going to come out of it.
- Do not be a good theologian. You’ve developed a profound understanding of heaven, the afterlife, and the second coming. Congratulations, but a grieving family does not need an eschatological discourse. They are not looking for for a homily on Romans 9 or a lecture on God’s sovereignty in taking life whenever he chooses. They need to be comforted. They need to hear of the God who is their strong shield and their hiding place. There is a time for you to quote Grudem, but in the ER after the sudden death of a loved one is not that time. [bctt tweet=”There is a time for you to quote Grudem, but in the ER after the sudden death of a loved one is not that time.”]
- Be the hands and feet of Christ. The church is the Body of Christ. Death offers unique opportunities for the Body of Christ to pour out the love of Christ toward those who are hurting. Do not miss this chance.
There are many other things I thought of adding to this list, but for the sake of brevity I have left it at five. In the end, the greatest blessings seem to be related to proximity and presence. Just being there means more than we often realize. What are some tips that have helped you to show compassion to mourners in your own life or ways that you have experienced the love of others during your own time of loss?
