Communication is often hard in a marriage. It is complicated by the fact that I’m a fixer and Angela is more of a feeler (this is often the case in marriage). That means that she comes home to talk about the problems of her day and I want to jump straight from the beginning to the solution without taking the time to hear everything in the middle. I just want to hurry up and fix what is wrong and move on to the next task. She often doesn’t even want a solution, she just needs to process the situation. She wants to be heard. She needs to be a person to whom I listen, not just a project I’m trying to fix.
Because this caused so many problems early in our marriage, we devised a solution. When she begins to share a problem with me, I have her permission to ask her, “Is this something you want me to fix or do you just want me to listen?” When she says she just needs to talk, I get a snack. Literally. She needs to be heard, but I talk too much. If I’m eating, I don’t talk as much. I listen better.
There are days when I just want to “fix” the problem, but I keep eating because the solution she needs from me is just to be present and attentive, and to care about the things that bother her.
I’m not black. For those of you who know me, that is obvious. But, I do know that as I’ve heard and seen the struggle of my African American brothers and sisters, I often want to hurry up and “fix” the problem rather than listen to their struggle. However, I am learning that for many of my friends, they want a solution, but they also just need to be heard. They need for me to take the time to shut my mouth and listen. Will I always agree? No. Will I always be right? No. But, when the people I love are hurting, they often just need me to be present and attentive, and to care about the things that bother them. They need to know that I see them as a person deserving of my attention and not just a problem in need of a solution.
I’m grieved and tired and angry of seeing images of police brutality on my screens. I’m heart-broken when I learn of friends who have been pulled over for DWB (Driving While Black). I’m saddened and sickened when I see our country burning and elected officials saying stupid things. But, I have to realize that I cannot be nearly as tired as those who have felt unsafe because of the color of their skin. I’m not nearly as tired as my friends who have had to speak over and over again about the injustice that they have personally experienced.
I’m tired and I want to hurry up and fix all of this. But, for now, I suspect that many of my brothers and sisters don’t need to hear my ideas. They need to have my ear and my heart. The time will come when we can work through solutions together, but before we can “fix” it, I’ve got to listen. And so do you.
