You have experienced them yourself, maybe you have even uttered a few of them. They are called bad apologies, and here are a few of my favorites:
I’m sorry you got your feelings hurt.
I’m sorry that you are so sensitive.
I’m sorry if you were offended by what I said.
These apologies that are actually no apologies at all. They masquerade as apologies, but instead they are just the opposite of apologies. These kinds of statement do not express ownership, they direct blame at the offended person.
When I tell the person I’ve hurt, “I’m sorry that you got your feelings hurt,” what I actually say is “it is your fault.”
Most of us do not excel at apologizing. Maybe it is because we have never been taught? Probably it is because we are prideful and do not like to admit when we are wrong. In their book, The Five Languages of Apology, Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas identify five elements that are necessary in heart-felt apologies. Consider these elements below as you work to become an expert in the art of apology:
- Express Regret. A sincere apology begins with an expression of regret. “I feel bad that I upset you,” or “I am sorry that I broke your window.” Expressing regret shows the person you have hurt that you actually care that you injured them.
- Accept Responsibility. A part of our fallen human nature drives us to want to avoid responsibility when possible. Adam modeled this for us well when he referred to Eve as “the woman you gave to be with me.” We want to deflect as far as possible, but those who offer genuine apologies take full responsibility for their actions. “I’m sorry I broke your window. It is my fault. I should not have thrown the ball in this direction.” or “I’m sorry that I upset you. I yelled at you and I shouldn’t have.”
- Make Restitution. Yes, you have the responsibility to restore what was destroyed. Imagine the guy who backs into your car in a parking lot and screams out the window as he speeds away, “I’m sorry I wrecked your car. My bad.” He has expressed regret and taken responsibility, but I don’t think you would say he has offered a heartfelt apology. Sincere apologies make restitution. “Let me pay to have your window fixed,” or “I know that I upset you, what can I do to make it up to you?”
- Offer Genuine Repentance. Don’t do it again. Repentance is pretty easy to understand. You missed your sons ballgame. Make sure that never happens again. Enter his schedule into your calendar as soon as you get it and set your calendar to give you reminders. Do whatever it takes to make sure that you do not repeat the same mistake or sin twice. Profound apologies produce profound changes. You should only have to miss an appointment with your wife once to learn a different system to avoid it in the future. “Honey, I’m sorry that I forgot lunch, but I’ve set my phone to send me an alarm an hour before our next lunch so that I do not forget again.”
- Request Forgiveness. Notice that you get to request forgiveness only after you have shown regret, accepted responsibility, attempted to make restitution, and repented of your offense. Consider the two responses after missing a friends party: “Sorry man. I’m sure you will get over it.” or “I’m sorry that I missed your party. I did not put it on my calendar and forgot all about it. I know it isn’t the same, but I picked up a pizza and would love to stop by and watch the game with you. Next time I will add it to my calendar immediately. Could you forgive me?” Only one of these seems to proceed from genuine feelings of regret and remorse. Only one of these suggests that I value the friend whom I neglected.
Someone once said that a healthy marriage is made up of two really good forgivers. Forgiveness comes easier when apologies are sincere. Mastering the art of apology will enhance your marriage, but I can assure you that it will not stop there. Imagine teachers who offer sincere apologies to their students when they mess up or bosses who offer heartfelt apologies to employees who have mistakenly been underpaid. What if you walk through these five steps of apology the next time you yell at your kid or are short with your mom on the phone? How would your opinion of a restaurant change if the manager apologized using the five steps above when your chicken was undercooked?
I’m sorry if you got your feelings hurt reading this post, but that is no apology. If you got your feelings hurt, it is probably because you have not learned how to apologize well.
I got my feelings hurt a little bit writing it because I’m still working to become an expert at apology myself.
