I recently had a young lady ask me to give her some advice for dating. According to her, because I am a “dude” I could give her some insight that she didn’t feel like she could get from the ladies in her life.
Truthfully, it has been a while since I’ve been called a “dude,” but it has also been a minute since I’ve been asked for high school dating advice. But, when teenagers are asking their pastor for pastoral advice, I have a privilege and responsibility to answer the call.
Once upon a time, I was very negative about high school relationships. I saw only the dangers. I know all too well the regrets that can come with teenage decisions. I have sat with many couples preparing for marriage who are broken over the sexual sins of their past. So, I am a bit fearful of the pitfalls that can accompany teenage relationships. Oddly, it wasn’t until recently that I realized my primary arguments against teenage relationships was rooted in fear.
I am fearful for the mistakes of youth. At the same time, I am a hypocrite because if I had my choice, I would go back in time and meet my wife before I graduated high school. She would be the only woman I ever kissed.
There’s the rub. I want to protect kids from the mistakes they can make, but in my efforts to protect them, I have not given them guidance on how to make good and godly choices, I have only given them instructions on how to avoid a particular kind of sin.
I have become a bit of a legalist, building extra fences and walls to create a sort of faux-holiness in teenagers–and I suspect I am not the only one.
I had to confess all of this to a seventeen year old. Now, I am committed to righting my wrongs and to helping teenagers and young adults navigate relationships in a way that honors Christ. Here are a few guidelines I would suggest for you if you are in the dating scene today.
- Honor Christ first. When we put Christ first, questions about “how far is too far” begin to melt away. If you could not joyfully tell Jesus what you are doing with your boyfriend or girlfriend, then it is wrong. Put Jesus first. Always.
- Keep your friends in a place of honor. This is especially true for those in high school and anyone early in a relationship. God created us for relationships, but those are not just romantic relationships. Do not assume that your boyfriend, girlfriend, or even future spouse will be able to shoulder all of the relational needs that you have in your life. If you are dating in high school, make sure that you do not stop hanging out with your friends. If the person you are dating does not want you to hang out with your friends, stop dating that person. You are in an unhealthy relationship.
- Dating is practice for marriage. Is this a person you could marry? If the answer is no, walk away now. If the answer is maybe, then continue to prayerfully walk into the relationship. But it is more than that, if you are going to choose to date and to be involved in exclusive relationships, you have a responsibility to honor those relationships. If you want to date other people or to be flirtatious or if you just aren’t interested in being in a committed relationship, then be honest about it and walk away. Honor your commitment.
- Spend time with groups. Groups of people serve to help you guard against sexual sin, but that is not all. By spending time among groups of people (especially close Christian brothers and sisters) you have the opportunity to invite others to speak into your budding relationship. Do others who you love and trust think this is a good idea? If so, then you have another green light. If your closest friends see this is as a bad idea, then you need to think twice. Further, if the person you are dating only wants to separate you from groups and be alone with you, be suspicious of their motives.
- Be mindful of your age. Are you 29 years old? If there are green lights in this relationship, you may be able to move a little more quickly toward exclusivity and the consideration of a long-term relationship. If you are 16 years old, the relationship landscape is different. Maybe this is a long-term relationship, but more likely than not, you will not marry your high school sweetheart. Be slow and intentional.
- Dating is not marriage. Even though dating is practice for marriage, it is not marriage. The marriage bond is sacred and should be protected and preserved at all costs. But, you do not have the same responsibility to cling to your teenage boyfriend (or your 30-year old boyfriend/girlfriend). If he is a bum, kick him to the curb. But, even if he isn’t a bum–maybe he’s a great guy, but you just aren’t interested in continuing the relationship, you are not obligated to remain in that relationship, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
- Invest effort…and expect it from others. If you are going to date, then by all means, date. Put on a clean shirt, wash your car, and go somewhere. See a movie. Go to church. Grab a milkshake or a cup of coffee. Go eat some chicken nuggets at Chick-Fil-A. If the person you are interested in is not willing to do anything other than sit on their mom’s couch and watch a movie, are they really worth your time? Girls he should open your door (vehicle door, house door, door to a restaurant, all of it) and if he does not, he isn’t worth your time. Trust me on this.
- Have fun. Marriage should be fun and dating should be fun. If your dating relationship is filled with stress, grief, and worry, it is unhealthy. Get out before you get in further. You do not want to cling to an unhealthy dating relationship and allow it to lead to an unhealthy, anxiety filled marriage.
These are a few guidelines, and I’m sure there are many more. If you are a parent reading this, I would remind you that we have a responsibility to help our kids learn how to navigate relationships. Many of you will be more liberal in attitude toward dating than I am, and some of you will be more conservative. Regardless of where you find yourself on that spectrum, pay close attention to your own relationships. Your kids are going to model their lives after yours in many ways.
Additionally, we live in a world filled with confusion over sex, gender, and relationships. As the hormones rage in your kids and they wrestle with feelings of attraction, be mindful of the advice you give. We should celebrate the fact that part of God’s good creation is the attraction and desire that is found in teenagers and young adults. Rather than castigate them for those desires, we need to steer them in the right directions. You do not want to create the idea in your kids that their desires for people of the opposite sex are wrong or misguided. You want to direct those desires and help them to manage their desires and passions in a godly way.
Take some advice from the Song of Solomon. Song of Solomon 8:9, says this, “If she is a wall, we will build on her a battlement of silver, but if she is a door, we will enclose her with boards of cedar.” It is your responsibility to know your child better than anyone else. Some kids are going to need to be walled in to protect them from making lots of bad decisions in their teenage years. Others have already walled themselves off and they are going to need parents to build battlement of silver to encourage some relationships to help them grow up.
Regardless of where you find yourself, avoid my mistakes. Do not allow fear to be the primary motivator in the decisions you make for your own relationships or for how you will govern your kids in their relationship choices. God has not given us a spirit of fear, and that is even true in the way we raise our kids and the way we relate to other people.
What would you add to my list? What would you change? Let’s work together to help our kids and others navigate relationships in a godly way.
Photo by Andrew Rivera on Unsplash
