Pastors are lonely. We hear that often, and I know from experience that it can be true. It isn’t only pastors. Our culture is isolated and alone. Recently Lifeway wrote that even among church goers, only about 2 in 5 took it upon themselves to check on other church members during the pandemic. 3 in 5 church goers said no one from their church checked on them during the pandemic.
No doubt, there are many reasons why these realities exists, but increasingly I wonder if part of the loneliness of pastors and the isolation within the church comes from the way we educate and train pastors.
As a pastor, from the time I can remember, I was urged to be careful about relationships within the church. Even when this admonition was not given explicitly, it was at least implied. Seminary class discussions were often peppered with, “don’t share too much.” Denominations build special ministries to pastors because, “Pastors need real friends.” Even in by some of my mentors and pastor friends through the years, I have been personally warned about sharing too much with members of my own congregation.
But, these suggestions run counter to the Word of God. Regardless of whether you call them elders, pastors, or shepherds, there is no biblical defense that they should exist over, above, and outside the church. Members of a local congregation belong to Christ and one another. That belonging extends to the pastors of that congregation just as much as it does to older widows, nursery workers, ushers, and teenagers.
Churches are filled with people who feel isolated and alone, and pastors are among those people. Why?
John Maxwell called it the law of Magnetism–You are what you attract. The potential exists that churches are filled with people who do not build strong relationships within the church because they are led by pastors who do not build strong relationships within the church. But, of course, leadership isn’t only magnetism, leadership is also influence, or what we in Christian circles call discipleship.
The Apostle Paul defined discipleship as imitation in 1 Corinthians 11:1, Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ. Pastors are always discipling because the people in their churches are looking to their pastors to understand how they should live as a Christian. If a pastor does not forge strong relationships within the church, why should anyone else?
If you are a pastor reading this and saying, “yes, but you don’t understand,” just know that I get it. When pastors open themselves up to building strong friendships within the church, they open themselves and even their families up to the potential of being hurt. But, that happens in every single relationship. That is the risk we take when we choose to love and be loved. You will get hurt. It is part of life. But, the risk is worth the reward of friendships and a strong church family.
Pastor, if you aren’t seeking to build your closest friendships within your church, you cannot expect to lead a church filled with strong relationships. You can expect to lead a church that looks like you.
Several years ago, Angela and I came close to leaving Malvern Hill for another ministry opportunity. During the time of interviews, we shared our situation with several (15-20) people within our congregation. Those people were praying for us (and to be honest, praying against our leaving) and ministering to us during those days. Pastor friends who I love and cherish warned me against sharing this information with church members because I would “ruin my ministry.”
But I knew that I wasn’t just sharing these concerns with members of our church. I knew that I was a sharing these concerns with friends who knew me and Angela and our family. I was sharing these concerns with the same people who I shared my life with week in and week out. I was also sharing because I was convinced that a person seeking God’s will for their lives should seek out the prayers and advice of other godly people who can speak into their lives. We shared this information with our church family because we belong to our church family and we need them to pray with us and speak into our lives.
As I write this, I am aware that there are exceptions to every rule. I am aware that there are pastors who are hurting, depressed and alone. I’m not writing to disparage anyone. But I am writing to say that the norm in our churches should be pastors who seek to live their lives among, alongside, and accountable to the members of their churches.
Jesus called you to be a shepherd. Not a rancher. Not a CEO. A shepherd. Walk among your sheep.
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I was trying to think of Biblical prooftexts for this. We are taught that God is our Shepherd, so does God relate to us in this way? I first thought of what God says in Genesis 18:17, “Shall I hide from Abraham what I am about to do?” I also thought of John 15:15 where Jesus says that he no longer calls his disciples servants, but friends. Friends because he told them everything he heard from his Father.
So I think that there is some good Biblical support for what you are saying. I would hope more people would take up this discussion and develop it further. What does this look like practically? There are surely some things in ministry that DO stay separated from the congregation. And before reading this, I would have thought the discussion of whether to leave to pastor another church was one of them. So I’d really like to learn more.
James,
Just curious, why would the decision to consider a new pastorate necessarily not include a current church family? I know we’ve often been taught that, but why?